REGRETS.....

About a few days ago, I was strike by fever due to colds, cough and flu so I was stuck in the house without doing much and all I can do is think and think and think.  Times like these puts me in a situation where I reminisce and look back to the things I didn’t do over the past 5 years. Here, I began to pity myself.  Suddenly, a lot of things came up into my mind and there I saw myself crying inside, asking myself what have I done? I’m REGRETFUL! I came to realized how regretful I am for the things I’ve lost. I knew that I was the only one to blame but I didn’t do anything about it. May be I tried, but it wasn’t enough. A few days back, I’m feeling a little burdened something I feel in my heart that is so hard to bear. I tried to disregard it and pretend that everything is alright. But inside of me, the pain is growing stronger. When circumstances like this strike me what I usually do is open up to someone who is very close to me who I think would understand and not judge me. I’m thinking who among my friends I will tell about it just to ease the pain. Afterward, Thursday night came, God send me in the person of my brother. We had a very nice conversation, a heart to heart one. I told him the things that bother me, things that I’ve been carrying in my heart, grudges, burdens, hurts, pains. Somehow, I know he understand where I’m coming from. I shared Him the blog I’ve read the night before that night we talked; I summarized it with the word I kept on thinking over and over which is MASAYA KA BA? I answered him, maybe I thought I was but I’m not! He told me that he saw how hurtful I am. He saw the pain in my eyes. How my life turned miserable when I lost my job, when all of my dreams shattered in a blink of an eye. He said, I know what you have gone through, I know how hard it is for you to get back up every time you fall. Maybe what he’s trying to imply was he knows that I’m not that strong and what happens to me every time is my weakness is being tested over and over that pushes me to almost give up! I told him, that’s TRUE! I don’t have any fall back that is why when things are going down; I don’t know where to go. And I told him, you know what is my dream Paul? My dream is to help mom in sending you to college and in all our other expenses. You know, the feeling of being able to give of what you have, big or small. The accomplishment I will get from there will mean so much to me that I can say I’m FULFILLED! While I’m trying to hold back my tears I can feel how much he wanted to reinstate me, He was trying to say the best words to encourage and uplift me and I felt that. As I compose myself again to what we were talking and sharing, at the back of my mind I felt I was a bit relieved from the burdens and hurts that I’m going through. And I must say, still I’m THANKFUL! 

We talked about so many things that night, as the clock ticks and it’s late in the evening we decided to end the conversation and just continue it the next time, anyways this is not the first time we shared our thoughts, it was just the right time for the right reason. 

But my agony didn’t stop from there, as I went inside my room and close my eyes, that’s the time I burst into tears. I cried so hard but didn’t let anyone hear it. I cried, as I look back to the things I lost! Yes! It’s been 5 years since I started my life out of school. I never thought that life will be hard as this. I admit, I wasn’t prepared enough and the only words I can say is “If Only” “What If” “Why”. I felt envious to those people who I dreamed to be. Hearing their stories of fulfilling and achieving their dreams makes me realized that behind this quote “Time lost maybe will never be found again” is so TRUE! I have let the opportunities go coz I thought I can find it easily; I took them all for granted. It is in this time that I realized it’s already too late! Tears keep on falling as I begged God for help, for his forgiveness and for his healing of my broken life. I know I need to do that, I should have done that long time ago, I was just holding on too tight that I can’t let go! I thought I did, but I didn’t! I’ve been living a miserable life where I don’t know where and how I’m going to start again. It’s like a piece of puzzle which is missing, not totally missing but don’t know where to fit in to fill and complete the puzzle. My life has been a roller coaster that is broken, stuck down, a bicycle perhaps which is not moving because I’m not peddling the pedal. I can name as many examples as I can, but the bottom line will be it is my entire fault! I admit and accept that! Looking back into the past, I see myself as someone who I wasn’t the person everyone knew all along, a person that has full of dreams, full of potential, full of ambitions and goals in life. Now, I don’t even know which way to go. If only flashbacks can be seen like what we see on tv, If only I can turn back the hands of time, If only, I would but I couldn’t! 

As I stuttered in praying I know God is listening and hearing my cries. He sees what is inside my heart. He knows my struggles and the pains I’ve been carrying all this time. The pretentions, lies as I tell the world that I’m happy when in fact, I AM NOT! Maybe there were times that in this journey of life I was able to be happy and smile, but it doesn’t stay long and the smile only covers the outside but not the inside. I tried to uttered lines from all the verses I know because it is from HIS Word where I draw strength and gives me the hope that I still have my chance. I kept on crying until I say to the Lord, “susuku kuna ngan pu kekayu” ikayu napu ing manibala keng biye ku.” I added, “Forgive me for all the things I’ve done, for all the mistakes, for the times I failed you, for the times I stumble and took you for granted.” It may not be the exact words but I know that is how I earnestly pray and seek Him during that moment.

I guess my life will never stop from this, I will fall, fail, stumble over and over but I will never lose hope and never ever  lose my FAITH in GOD because that’s the only thing I’m holding on to, to keep going. Whatever life takes me, I know God has a special purpose in my life, His plans are always better than mine. I am not perfect, never will I, but He is a perfect God with a perfect and unconditional love for me! 

*Scripture verses that I keep in my heart:

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:33

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

*A song that reminds me that He will not leave me..

♪♫..A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise..♪♫

As I end this, I will repost what I posted in my fb status:

“I'm going through tough times nowadays, Am I Happy? maybe Not, but I know I'm Blessed and Loved by my Family, Friends and most especially JESUS! and with that, I'm THANKFUL..!”

Godbless!:D